Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Every Cloud...

...has a silver lining. From some of my earliest memories, this is a lesson that stands out, and usually true. And from the literal standpoint, always true. But what I've found is, even the people who preach this in their own favor refuse to believe it with another person's situation.

Because of people's judgment, I've found my own cloud has no silver lining in the perception of others. My mistakes may have made impossible the ability to live the life which most suits, and benefits me. Because of my grades in school, I'm forced to find a more difficult way in which to go spend my life the way that appeals to me.

When I was in school, my at-home life was very troubled, in every sense of the word. Without going too into detail for everyone, I lost sleep, peace, and wasn't the center of attention to my parents when I most needed to be. Yet nobody did anything they needed to do in order to help resolve the issues. Now everyone will tell me that I'm the person who should have sucked it up and done something about it... not only did I try, but in the same light... a child under 16 is not fit to make their own decisions.

When I attempted to reach out to people, they pointed my problems towards general health physicians who found nothing wrong with my health, obviously. When I attempted to pour my heart out to my school counselor and asked her for answers, I was told that isn't the job... all a student can do with a counselor is vent and then the discussion is left in confidence.

My outlet? Writing, and hanging out with friends. If school was going to abandon me, I was going to abandon school, and while I may live to regret that in other people's eyes, I'll never live to regret that decision and would never go back and change it. Not that school helped or did their job in the classroom anyways. Even my grandfather, who was a professor, understood my qualm with school.

I refused to accept the fact that I had to go to school on Monday and learn everything, and do exercises for homework. And then Tuesday, we'd review... and do more homework to review. And Wednesday and Thursday the same. Schools don't teach people, or train people to learn and think. Schools give you some information, and with repetition, try to drill that minuscule amount of information, because students in America are too sensitive to be called failures, and because they weren't taught to learn, study, or think... weren't able to learn on the same level as everyone else. When I was placed in an AP class I excelled, but because I hadn't committed to the dumbed down classes, I was held out of AP classes in every subject.

But I went to class on Mondays... learned the information. I wouldn't touch homework, and did very little Tuesday-Thursday. Again, my situation at home didn't help matters either, they really hindered my awareness and focus. It was almost everything I could do to sit and focus on Mondays to learn what was on the board. On Friday, I'd show up, and take a test which I generally passed because I was able to retain the info from Monday. But because I wasn't on the same "learning" curve as the rest of my classes, it was assumed I cheated... even though the rest of the class was scoring lower on tests, and teachers were watching me just the same as everyone. When you're called a cheater because you're able to retain info in a way that others cannot, it really dampens the cloth of potential.

I did enough to finally get by and graduate from High School, but nowhere near enough to find myself able to go to college. This is what helped me to find the most important person in my own life... and also what is holding me back from getting to be with her.

I refuse to change my stance in that I was abandoned in almost every facet of my own life... and I refuse to not defend myself until the day that I die with pure facts and statistics. I shouldn't have to make up for people abandoning me. I can assure you that anyone who has ever conversed with me knows I'm definitely intelligent enough to prove I did enough in school, and even knew more than what school was teaching me. And now that the at-home issues have been resolved, I'm in a much better way to handle my future endeavors. From 16-18, you adopt new responsibilities and climb to another level of trust and ability to make your own decisions. The same from 18-21. And even more from 21-25. I have changed in knowing if I went to school now, I'd excel. But because of my past and judgment and nobody wanting to hear a word of it, I find myself being restrained from exceeding. What school taught me is that if you follow the system and "just get by" you're alright... and that there are no factors in life to prevent a person from following the system... and that because I was healthy, I wasn't in shape to visit a psychiatrist in order to properly be diagnosed for my situation.

But trust me when I say every cloud has a silver lining.

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