Sunday, August 22, 2010

Why You're Bitches...

...this is the first installment of my age-old rant series. I'm bringing it here to the blog, because the most important person in my life suggested I do so >_>. So here goes... nothing?


Today's targets, while very unoriginal and basic, also come to mind with... well... nothing unoriginal (according to Yahoo! and every other news/opinion outlet in the media). Well, perhaps some of you will feel that my thoughts and remarks will be disrespectful, incorrect, and perhaps a little over the top; but if you find yourself taking that kind of offense to my comments <--- that is Why You're Bitches.

Now, Barack Obama, Iran, and Stephen Strasburg, let me tell you Why You're Bitches.

Mr. President, while I acknowledge you've broken barriers and crossed footbridges with missing planks and all that other great, chipper, exciting, motivational shit you've done - you still aren't the man. In fact, you aren't much of anything sensational, even the great talker (teleprompter reader) that we thought you were. Standing on the beach where your experts discovered had very minimal oil-exposure does not permit you to tell the people that it is oil-free and safe to visit the shore-line attractions of the great south of the United States of America. In fact, you spending a matter of 4 trips to the Gulf during the oil leak didn't make you the expert you suggested you were for doing so. You, along with all of the people who did everything they could to defend you and continue to show a complete lack of respect and interest in the southern states of this great nation, are hypocritical bigots. If George Bush could be blamed for what happened to the Gulf Shore during Hurricane Katrina, not one person who felt that way for a second in their life could stand by and not suggest that you are to blame, not only for the mess of the oil and the poor response, but for the spill itself. I took great pride in knowing we finally had a President who could break racial barriers, and had hope that you wouldn't fail us. But the miserable "I haven't read or seen but know full well" shenanigans you've pulled, have really compromised my respect or hope that you could be even slightly successful. As a wise man in a movie once said, "I once had full confidence in a fart and I shit my pants." Well, I stand here today knowing it would take a roll of toilet paper as long as every $1 bill you've spent, to wipe our ass of the residual feces. And it would take a toilet large enough to hold every gallon of oil spilled into the gulf, to flush you, the biggest piece of shit, to an embarrassing footnote in the history books of the United States of America.

Iran, Iran... and I drank some Gatorade G-Series to replenish myself from this dehydrating, ongoing, dry topic. You've got yourself a nuclear plant, and you're using it for "positive nuclear energy". I'm fully support the prospect of nuclear energy, and would vote with full confidence in it for the United States, or any other nation in the world... but once again, "I once had full confidence in a fart and I shit my pants." I don't understand how or why you, Iran, would believe in the safety of this plant. Acknowledge that you house terrorists (not that every nation doesn't) and have since put this entire planet at risk. If one man can imitate that which Adolf Hitler attempted... with the money of a man like Bin Laden... bought out the most credible scientists and hijacked the plant, they could create anything they wanted. If I, a man in America on a blog with absolutely no interest in seeing the world at war or coming to an end, could realize the intense possibility of these events happening... some dastardly bastard out there could surely think up a way to fill in the holes in the idea I just put forth (and not based off of reading this post for the idea) and master it and actually make it happen. I mean, Hell... we knew of the possibility of something like 9/11 happening, yet it still happened anyways, because someone was able to sit and actually plan it out. So Iran, do us all a favor... break down that infernal machine before someone breaks down atoms in an inferno!

Stephen Strasburg - where, oh where do I begin? You're a phenom. Incredible. You've got Cy Young written all over you. You're (hopefully) going to win Washington a World Series, or two... or dreaming... 3+. I have an incredible respect for you, your ability, and what you mean to the DMV... but I'll be damned if I didn't just witness you pitch yourself out of contention for us this season. When Skip Bayless told us on First Take that you would probably be a kid who threw his arm out... I sat here thinking "Hell no, this kid is the ultimate pitcher and will be to pitching what Michael Phelps is to swiming". Well, you proved Skip Bayless right by throwing that arm out. The fact that you've injured it twice in the last half-season, also really worries me. But I hope you have a full, speedy recovery and come in and win the Nationals a World Series sooner, rather than later. But for the time being...


...this is Why You're Bitches!

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