I've not written anything substantial lately and for that I am sorry. Of course the same excuses will spew out from my mouth, but I genuinely have been busy. That's not to say that things haven't been going through my mind though.
I'm at that stage where I feel like I'm in a coffee shop, sipping away at my drink, and simply watching the world work, without me. I'd like to say a lot of changes are happening in my life, but it's not directly my life. It's that things are changing in the lives of the people around me, and that's having a slight effect on me. The effect it's having isn't anything I should worry about or anything ground breaking. If I'm being honest with you, the changes around me have no direct impact on my life. The problem is, I think that the fact that all these changes are happening without me, is what's bothering me the most.
I bet you're wondering what I'm rambling about, I'm wondering the exact same thing as my fingers just seem to be typing all these thoughts I've kept locked away, without me realising they even existed. I'm being a brat, aren't I? After all change is a good thing and I should be happy that the people around me are progressing for the better. So why am I envious of them?
I suppose it comes down to the fact that I feel stuck. I've not been able to explain this properly to the people who normally understand my mumbo-jumbo and innermost thoughts, it's probably because I don't know why I feel stuck.
Everyone is discussing the changes in their lives and including me in issues that have nothing to do with me, no relation to me and no impact on me and asking my opinion, which, in the end, they ignore. They're happy to talk to me about all their problems and issues, happy to ask me how I am, but when I decide to tell them how I am, they cut me off, I want to say mid-sentence but about two words in. I'm not being self-centred, I assure you. In fact I feel so out of the centre because I'm caring for people and having people unload on me, when I'm so far into the back of their minds that I'm a tiny speck of dust.
I almost wish I was talking about friends when I say people, that's bareable, but when it's family, it becomes a lot harder. I have no problems. I'm not in need of help, at least nothing they can help me with. I'd never ask or tell them, but it'd be nice if they could show some courtesy. They put the weight of their worlds on my shoulders and expect me to do nothing about it. I wonder if they realise there's enough weight on my shoulders without their excess baggage? Once again, the word stuck comes to mind.
The one person who makes me feel unstuck is thousands of miles away and that bothers me the most. There's only so much reassurance you can give when you're so far away, and while I'm sitting alone in that coffee shop, I need more than a text or internet access. I need a real person sitting opposite me with his hand on mine, reassuring me, without words, that everything will be alright, and everyone will work out their issues and keep changing for the better and I won't always be stuck - stuck in the middle of a situation, stuck in the same place, stuck having the same conversations, with the same beginning, middle and end.