I watched the bus drive off as you faded from my perceptive vision. I felt heartache I’d never felt in all of my life… I knew you weren’t gone for good, but I wondered if I would ever lay my eyes on you in person again. Photographs – they’re beautiful but they absolutely don’t do you justice. As tears rolled down my face and chilled in the April breeze on that gorgeous, sunny day… everything felt all the more surreal.
I waited, and waited for my cab – but all that ran through my mind was holding you in my arms, brushing your hair away from your teary eyes, kissing your upset, quivering lips. I heard your “bye” repeat in my head as clear as when you really said it. I got into that cab, not because I wanted to, but because I had to; yet not one day passes where I feel as though I made the right choice. Nothing, not even doing what was right and eventually proved to be the best decision, can justify my leaving you.
I felt hollow in that cab, not looking forward to anything… I knew I was going home to nothing, a nothing amplified by the fact that you wouldn’t be there with me. Little did I know the downward spiral of everything around me and how much I would have to deal with it myself, whether willing or unwillingly. Everything seemed to hurt more knowing it would be okay if I could hold you through it all, and couldn’t.
I pride myself on being good under pressure, I expect it of myself… but for the first time in my life I had no protection, no shield – and I can’t remember what my shield was before you. I was vulnerable, susceptible, and weak. I needed you… I still need you, but having you seems more and more distant with the knowledge that I’ve got to do more and more to just get to the point where I can start to make it happen. Once I do one thing, I’ve got to do two more things in order to get to the next step, and my list doesn’t cut down at all.
I’m looking for help… help that isn’t there, or refuses its services to me… I feel even more alone and hollow. Even you refuse to, or can’t, help me out with some of the mounting obstacles… stepping stones which became hurdles which grew into hills and mountains. Asking for help creates more problems, which I try to ask for more help with, in turn, creating more problems.
Even when I’ve broken away from the bulk of my problems, I still find myself overwhelmed by them. My life is now consumed by stress and this forest of quandary. I yearn for several months ago, holding you, knowing that nothing else in life matters because with you, I can get through anything. But to hold you and feel that feeling again, I’ve got to deal with this world of problems… and I’ve got to do it alone. It’s difficult trying to be a team with someone knowing everything else you have to do falls solely on you…
All I’m asking is for you to help me to get back to you, and understand that what I’m going through right now, has really taken its toll on me. But please remember and know that I’m going to keep my promise about getting back to you, no matter what! This is my journey… this is where my life begins now… Don’t Laugh, People… I will own this world soon enough!